EDIT: I wrote this experience down in my journal, then decided to share it, as a way of reminding others who deal with anxiety and negative self-talk that they are not alone. If that sounds like something that might be triggering for you, best to leave this one alone.
May 23, 2020
I’m settling down to change a track on my mix, and I already hate that I have to do this. I don’t like how one of the pads fit in the mix, and I need to figure out how to replace it with something that sounds better. The voices are whispering as I sit down in my chair, it’s fine, the track doesn’t need to be changed. It’s pretty good, and you’ll never think of something better. Hurry up and just make an end of the damn thing!
I stave off rising panic and quickly make another empty track below the one I want to change. I start playing with sounds on my TAL NoizeMaker. Wait, that doesn’t sound right. Neither does that one. Fear starts building in my gut again as I frantically sweep through the presets for inspiration. Crap, NONE of these sound the way I want them to!
You’re wasting your time…
I create a duplicate track, using the same notes as the pad I want to replace, but I still can’t find a preset that approximates something I want. I try shifting all the notes up and down by a few semitones, but it seems like every change just makes it sound worse. My skin is crawling. I’m ruining it.
Don’t panic.. Try something else.
Forget the presets. New strategy. I open my document on emergency things to try when I get stuck like this, but now the fear is so great I can’t read what’s in front of me. Slow down, breathe…
I start playing an iTunes track by Emancipator. Maybe there’s something here that I can use. There’s a couple sounds I like, but they seem to fit his song, not mine. I try and envision how the sounds would work on my mix, and it doesn’t fit. Oh shit, don’t let me quit out of fear.
There’s too much you don’t know. You’ll waste the whole day getting nowhere…
The piano. I’ve got a piano sampler, a cheap thing I’ve borrowed from my sister-in-law beside me. I switch it on and play a few chords. Nope, nope… Wait. Something sounds both hopeful and melancholy. Maybe there’s something there. I barely notice my breathing is starting to ease as I create another track set to piano – I’ll change the sound later – and add the notes to the track. It doesn’t sound completely like vomit as I tentatively take the track off solo and listen to it with the whole mix. There’s something that doesn’t quite fit, midway through. I shift a note up a few semitones. There, that’s smoother. The fear shifts down another notch.
I switch back to the NoizeMaker, and manage to find a balance in the controls between so piercing it cuts through the whole mix, and so mellow it fades into the background. Then I realize I’m not actually hitting the frequencies I wanted to make room for, so I bring everything up two octaves and start the process over again. Gradually my impatience is washed away by an undercurrent of curiosity: What if I try this? Or this?
In the end, I have something that sounds pleasantly different from what I’ve created before. I still need to test it on multiple speakers to make sure I like it, but it’s a victory. It’s getting late now, and my brain is starting to pulse, so I leave it for now.