From my journal today:
October 14, 2020
The problem with the philosophy I’ve built so far is it puts a lot of pressure on the individual to push themselves their whole life. Not that the pushing isn’t good, not that it doesn’t lead to greater happiness, but that it doesn’t take into account the possibility that it might all be for nothing.
There is no proof that anything we do today will have any impact ten or a hundred thousand years from now. Those ripples could have a negligible impact on the human race and the world it inhabits.
What I am now trying to consider, as a way of balancing my drive and preventing it from becoming a consuming source of suffering itself, is that none of this may ultimately matter. It may be worth making my peace with that possibility.
The scary thing about living a life that doesn’t matter is you feel helpless to change the world for the better, helpless to immortalize yourself in any way. But perhaps that helplessness should be accepted, just as it should be accepted that I may get hit by a car tomorrow and be unable to have the impact I want.
That’s not to say I should become a Nihilist. There is still the pleasure drive to encourage me to seek enlightenment for myself, and sharing what I learn with others. But accepting it might lower the stakes considerably. It may help me return to working because I want and choose to, rather than because I need or should do so.
The pressure of trying to DO something, of feeling responsibility to give back, risks robbing me of the very enjoyment that moves me forward – the more I feel I must improve, ironically, the harder it is to do so.
There is a sh*t ton of potential liberation in this. The trick then, for all of us, is to free ourselves from the artificial demands that are put on us throughout our lives and try to find out who WE are under all the bullsh*t.
If I had zero obligations, what would I do? Producing music is something I enjoy – once I actually get my ass in the chair and start – and I think I could possibly grow to love it. I just have to remember that the greatest joys have to be grown, and the discomfort on the journey pales in comparison to the result. And as long as we follow our joy, what else is there? What else does there “need” to to be?
Credits:
‘Man Wearing Gray Black Zip Hoodie Jacket Praying in Between Black Tree During Daytime’ by Flickr from Pexels
‘Red and Yellow Hatchback Axa Crash Tests’ by Pixabay from Pexels
‘Cow Dung Fuel Pats’ by Bishnu Sarangi from Pixabay