I’ve started following a few podcasts lately to start getting a sense of the journey other artists have taken on their way to becoming known and respected. It’s been a hard hit on my ego, hearing the lengths some people went to in order to become successful. And that’s good.
What’s less good, is the fear and self-doubt that accompanies it. Primarily around my ability to communicate effectively with others.
That may sound weird, hearing that a dance instructor/music producer has trouble communicating effectively. And sure, I’m a pretty good teacher, if I do say so myself.
I’m talking about fear of small talk, fear of putting myself out there to people I don’t know, slapping a fake smile on and pretending I like them, just so they’ll hire me, or feature me on their radio show, or whatever. This is a fear of networking.
But in just about any industry – certainly in BOTH dance and music – what is the prevailing message?
- It’s not what you know, it’s WHO you know.
- Getting exposure is critical to your success.
- It helps if you’re a likeable person.
- Face-to-face contact is better than email (which I prefer).
- Surround yourself with people who share a similar vision.
I have my reasons for this being a hang up for me – reasons dating back to when I was just a child. And as long as those built in assumptions exist, everything I try with regards to networking will stay within that framework, within a set of unconscious rules that whisper endlessly that this is one arena I will never excel in.
Obviously, that’s a debilitating way to live one’s life. So, how do I/we break out of the assumptions that don’t serve me/us?
The first thing is to keep the focus on eliminating the things that stand in your way, whether external or internal.
That may mean learning how to synthesize better music, or it may mean practicing self-embodiment techniques like meditation to understand where my belief system needs tweaking. And sooner or later, the latter becomes a critical part of getting where we want to go.
The deepest assumptions in our lives are almost always unconscious; we’ve repeated them to ourselves so many times as part of an earlier survival mechanism that we’ve forgotten there was ever a time before the belief.
We suffer from a loss of context, like a fish trying to understand the nature of the water it inhabits. If that fish suddenly jumped out of the water into the air, it would have a moment in which it could look back at the water from the outside, and compare the experience of water to that of air.
It’s for these and similar reasons that I’m on board with using safer drugs like marijuana, as a way of inducing different brain states, the memory of which can be used to provide the mind with that needed context. In short, we can’t be someone different if we can’t imagine and feel that difference within us, even if just for a moment.
This is all mainly to say that the journey is at least as much about understanding our negative patterns and replacing them, as it is about actually learning a skill. And neglecting this critical aspect is why most attempts to improve oneself fail.
Furthermore, considerable time is often needed, just to know WHAT exactly that belief or rule is. A therapist once said – ‘if you think you know everything about a pattern and something hasn’t shifted, you’re still missing something.’
Remember: Those patterns are largely unconscious. Applying this to myself, I can recall any number of events that would have played a role in instilling the belief in me that I would never be an effortless communicator. But that kind of understanding really only scratches the surface in terms of actually changing my behaviour.
To eliminate the habit for good, I must feel where my body reacts, when recalling social challenges for example, and follow that thread to its source.
I should mention by the way, that I HAVE had moments where I’ve connected effortlessly, sometimes even with strangers, and more regularly with my wife.
So there’s enough context there to know it’s logically possible, even if emotionally my body still rejects it. But to convince that emotional body, I have to speak its language.
Somewhere in the catacombs of my memories, is an emotional imprint that sabotages my efforts, out of a misguided attempt to protect me. If I am going to share my music on the scale I want, that imprint must be understood and repurposed. Then it can help rather than hinder me.
That said, there’s no guarantee that I will suddenly shake off my fears and become an instant social butterfly. So am I forced to play the extrovert game and hope I get lucky? Of course not!
So what if I’m a klutz at face-to-face networking? So what if the prevalent belief is you have to be everyone’s friend and hit up every club in town, just to get your name out there? Extroverts have it easier on a lot of fronts, but introverts are often the ones who find new ways to succeed, THEIR way.
There is always another way to do things. Maybe there’s apps I can use to amplify the effect I have through social media. Maybe I can stream DJ dance parties to build exposure. Maybe I’ll get a quieter job like a sound engineer, so I don’t have to worry about money as much. Maybe a thousand other things.
We all have the capacity to come up with unique and creative solutions. But I’ll admit, it’s easy to get impatient and a bit lazy, and just want to follow in the footsteps of someone else who ‘made it’. It’s devastating to our self-confidence, and it kills our unique message.
I won’t be the next Deadmau5, any more than an aspiring skateboarder can be the next Tony Hawk, or a business innovator the next Steve Jobs. Those people have WAY too much practice at being themselves for the rest of us to catch up.
It is both terrifying, and liberating, knowing that every person’s journey is uniquely their own. And the terror part, is only as strong as the imprints that doubt your ability to walk it. Deal with them.
Credits:
‘Brown Stairs’ by Karim MANJRA on Unsplash
‘Gray Monkey Under Sunny Sky’ by Paolo Nicolello on Unsplash
‘Man in Black Backpack during Golden Hour’ by Kun Fotografi from Pexels
‘Torn small paper saying Possible’ by Andrew Wilus from Pexels