I was lucky.
Growing up, I had few friends, and the ones I had were kinda weird (like me). We were outcasts, so we had nothing to prove.
My parents too, had (relatively) few expectations on how I was “supposed” to live, the kinds of people I should spend time with, the type of job I should have, and so on.
In other words, I grew up relatively free from the obligations imposed on most people. In particular, I managed to – mostly – avoid that type of person who takes more than they give.
Later on, I encountered more and more people who seemed trapped by a need to remain relevant and popular, or otherwise fulfilled obligations because they felt they had to.
In fact, most of them didn’t even know it was happening, and would get very VERY defensive if I pointed it out.
This self-sabotage of one’s time bothers me for many reasons, but the biggest to date is the concern that to focus on yourself is somehow selfish.
The problem here is that there’s a LOT of people out there, who likely have considerably bigger problems than anyone currently clamouring for your attention.
And depending on how you invest your time, you may be the one best-suited to helping them.
The Tragedy of the Commons
In case you weren’t paying attention in grade-school, let’s review what the Tragedy of the Commons is. Let’s say there’s a bunch of farmers, whose cows are grazing on the same field.
Let’s extrapolate further and assume that each of these farmers has a family and friends who enjoy the milk and beef these cows produce.
The farmers each let their cows graze for a certain amount of time each day, then take the cattle in, ensuring the grass can regrow each season.
But suppose one family gets greedy and starts leaning on the farmer to provide more for them.
‘After all, we raised you’, says the farmer’s aging parents. ‘And we spend every Sunday together’ agrees the friends, ‘can’t you do anything to keep that milk in our coffees?’
The farmer reluctantly agrees to let his cows stay out a little later each day so they can bulk up and produce more milk.
The other farmer’s families, seeing this, likewise start to pressure them to let their cows stay out longer too. “You’re giving him a competitive advantage!” they say.
Before long, ALL the farmers are letting their cows graze as long as they like. And as a result of this over-grazing, the fields are soon barren and unable to produce food for any of them.
Potential Help, vs Actual Help
Like those farmers, we often feel pressured to put friends and family before our own needs. That’s harmful enough when we are the only one’s who suffer, but the consequences become dire when we consider the impact on the world.
Everyone has potential, to some degree – the potential to pursue their passions, and use the skills acquired along the way to benefit others.
There’s also a more subtle potential, to set an example of what a strong, capable and determined person can do. In doing so, we inspire others to do the same.
As the tired adage proclaims: ‘You can’t help others until you’ve helped yourself.’ Therefore, it’s only by developing ourselves through dedication to our craft that we truly make a difference in the world.
And yet, most of us squander our time, or at least a goodly portion of it, listening to friend’s problems, going to parties to keep up relations, or even choosing a job we hate because our family expects us to provide for them.
And if you dare to consider your own needs and wants – and by proxy, those of the larger world – over those to whom you have friendship or blood ties, you are told, “don’t be so selfish.”
What is Being Selfish Anyway?
Remember the Tragedy of the Commons. While it may feel like doing the right thing to be there for those close to you, there are bigger problems that affect ALL of us, including those you know personally. We are all connected.
And if our potential to help others never becomes actual help because we were busy keeping those around us happy, we deny not just ourselves, but every person we would have helped had we chosen otherwise.
People you’ve never met before need your help. Most need it far more desperately than the BFF complaining that ‘all men are jerks’, or the mother who guilt-trips you into picking up groceries again because she doesn’t like driving in the city.
So what’s really selfish anyway? Neglecting the people used to leaning on you for support? Or the countless others – including yourself – who won’t receive the benefits of your unique talents, all because you were too afraid to say “no”?
I’m not saying some obligations legitimately deserve higher priority. And I’m definitely not recommending you leave you partner and kids to chase greatness.
At the very least though, it’s time to re-evaluate how we spend our time, and who we spend it with.
Acknowledge the Fear
Likely you will encounter immediate objections – if reading this hasn’t brought them up already – as you start to look at the people you spend time on. Your first goal is to separate the legitimate from the fear-based ones.
For example, do you actually WANT to spend an hour listening to your mother complain about the neighbours, or are you just worried she will be upset with you if you try to set boundaries?
Once you discover the ones you are sticking with out of fear, try to just sit with and acknowledge them. See if you can understand exactly what it is you fear will happen.
There may be a fear of being alone, or losing respect from others. Whatever it is, do your best to make your peace with it. It’s the first step towards breaking it’s hold on you.
It also helps to keep in mind that in most cases, these people aren’t really being helped by you. Instead, they use you as a crutch, an easy way for them to feel validated and get their needs met without having to stretch and grow themselves.
Sometimes the best way to help someone is to kick the crutch away.
And if others become difficult when you start setting boundaries, keep in mind that they too are afraid, of facing the world without your support. In the end, it’s nothing personal.
Let me leave off with an inspiring YouTube video that’s helped me stay focused for many years. It’s a bit rah-rah at times, but the words are worth remembering when you finally decide to put yourself first.
You are incredible. And you deserve better.
Credits:
‘A Boy Getting Bullied by Classmates Inside the Classroom’ by Mikhail Nilov from Pexels
‘Crop cyber spy hacking computer system in darkness’ by Anete Lusina from Pexels
‘Expressive doctor in superhero costume’ by Klaus Nielsen from Pexels
‘Photography of Dog Sitting on Ground’ by Joe Leineweber from Pexels
‘Seashell Dish’ by Alex Favali from Pexels
‘Selective Focus Photography of Cars’ by Aayush Srivastava from Pexels
‘Two Cows’ by Kat Smith from Pexels
‘Young woman in pain in leg in cast’ by Victoria Borodinova from Pexels