My wife and I watch a lot of Netflix in the evenings, and over time, we’ve identified certain tropes we’ve grown really really sick of. One of the biggest ones I feel compelled to write about here, because I feel it would significantly improve our communication if it was eliminated altogether.
It begins with a scenario: One of the characters is going through a hard time, and vents about it to their BFF/spouse/lover/whatever. And that person, a solid 80% of the time, comes back with the following phrase: ‘I know how you feel.’
The writers of the movie or show are trying to say, ‘this is a compassionate and understanding person, who just happens to have gone through similar trials that enable him/her to know exactly what to say in this moment.’ And often, that’s how the scene plays out.
But in real life, that’s likely to earn you some serious stink-eye.
We’re all unique snowflakes, okay? Yes, many of us have been through some of the same experiences, but not one of us can say we’ve had ALL the same experiences as someone else (unless you are their conjoined twin).
And that’s important, because every experience we’ve had, to a greater or lesser degree, informs all the OTHER experiences.
Example: You might not think twice about eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, but what if someone you knew had choked to death on one? What if you watched a doc on the dangers of various food allergies? What if your jerk of a brother snuck sardines in your sandwich last time?
Even if you DID have all the same experiences, you’d still have different genetics, and that plays a role in your predisposition, your preferences and biases, and so on.
My wife and I have spent over 9 years together at this point, and while that’s nothing compared to some folks, I’d like to think we’re ahead of the game in terms of relating to each other. But even then, if I added up all the time that we were truly on the same wavelength, 100%, zero distortion – it would add up to probably less than an hour.
And.. Well, let’s just say we would be less than sober for ALL of it.
You DON’T know how they feel. You can ask follow up questions, sure, and that will get you closer, but unless you have magical mind-reading powers, you will never understand what the sh*t that person is going through feels like to that person.
And that’s okay, because no reasonable person is going to expect you to.
What they need from you – what we all need – is a reminder of three truths:
- They are not alone (i.e. others care about them).
- They are doing a terrific job with the resources they have.
- It will get better.
That’s it. If they want anything more – like suggestions on how to fix their problem – they will ask. Until then and after, ‘I know how you feel’ or any variation thereof is just lazy listening, and dishonest besides.
Credits:
‘Confused young girl in demin shirt’ by Skyler Ewing from Pexels
‘Person in Black and White Striped Socks Lying on Bed’ by Taryn Elliott from Pexels