Lately I’ve been fighting back and forth with a company around whether or not I authorized certain charges to my account. I won’t go into details here – let’s just say that doing your own research on a company before giving your credit info is ALWAYS a good idea.
The frequent phone calls and emails with various disagreeable persons is frustrating for its own sake of course, but more so because it makes focusing on everything else harder. I don’t want to be seething while working on music or watching tv with my wife, but sometimes that’s just how things go.
Recently though, I came across some useful info on the less-pleasant emotions, and how we might manage them.
The info comes from a dry but fabulous book, Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman, who does NOT say that we should eliminate unpleasant emotions – merely regulate them when they threaten to interfere with daily life.
Anger
‘Getting one’s rage on’ can be particularly seductive, because of the accompanying physical effects -the body tightens up to prepare for fight mode, the body becomes more alert and energized, and you generally feel more powerful.
On that point, intentionally venting anger through catharsis might feel good, but actually increases your fury. Turns out fighting fire with fire just results in more fire – who knew? (Probably firefighters).
Distraction can be a helpful tool, as we tend to focus on other angry thoughts once our ire is up. A calming activity, like a walk through a natural setting, is particularly effective.
Or you can take the cognitive approach and pose counter-arguments to the angry thoughts that arise. Be warned though: This works better if you spot the warning signs early.
For example, I might be pissed at a co-worker and have the angry thought, ‘she doesn’t even respect me!’ By coming up with times when she did-indeed seem to respect me however, I can keep that anger from becoming a rage against everything that person stands for.
Anxiety
GOD, I hate this one. While the more powerful emotions are obvious and easily focused on, anxiety is more like a sniveling voice in the back of your head, busily catastrophizing and imagining one terrible scenario after another.
Like anger, worrying and anxiety can be helpful, in so far as it leads to legitimate action to deal with the source of the worry. Where it becomes a problem is in the over-focusing on details you cannot have any control over, like whether you’ll slip and cut your hand off during a construction project.
These fears resist all logical attempts to remove them, and always seem to have a reason why that almost-certain-to-never-happen situation is actually pretty much a done deal.
As with anger, worrying feeds itself by drawing in more ‘worried’ thoughts. It does help to catch the worry cycle early and use a relaxation technique like meditation to manage it. But such responses rarely eliminate the whole issue.
The above strategy is more effective when combined with some healthy skepticism about the worrying thought. If the worrier persistently focuses on more affirming thoughts, the new pattern can gradually build up momentum and counter the worry cycle.
Sadness
First, the good news: Sadness can be useful by shutting down non-essential work and encouraging a healing period of self-reflection. Where it goes off the rails however, is when it blows over into full-on depression.
There no need to go into the reasons why depression sucks, nor that, like the other emotions, it encourages thinking about other depressing things that extend it’s half-life. Let’s jump to the what-we-can-do-about-it stage, shall we?
A good cry can often be an effective way to hit the reset button on our emotional state, but Goleman warns us that this only works if it’s not used as a tool for further rumination. Many people turn to distracting activities, like watching tv, reading a book, having sex, etc.
The problem with these strategies is they can actually ADD to depression if they make the person feel worse in the process. For example, I used to turn to video games a lot to numb myself to how I was feeling, but this only led to feelings of guilt which compounded the issue.
Exercise can be one of the more effective approaches, IF you don’t already lead an active lifestyle. More reliable is setting yourself up for success by completing an EASY task or two that’s been bothering you for a while (we all have them). I find cleaning my living space to be particularly therapeutic.
Yet another strategy is helping others. This is one of the most effective ways of distracting ourselves from darker thoughts, because it activates our empathy centers and gets us focused on other people’s problems, rather than our own.
But the MOST effective way – and the least used, is what the psychologists call cognitive reframing.
This isn’t so much making counter-arguments to the depressed thinking, as its choosing to search for the silver lining. Losing your job is definitely a blow to the ego – and can also lead to new opportunities. Getting injured means some time in the hospital, which can be helpful for taking stock and making plans for the future.
Again, I don’t believe we should resist all negative emotions – they are actually really helpful, and give our life balance besides. Also, if there is a legitimate concern giving rise to any of these emotions, the situation is likely not going to improve until it’s dealt with.
That said, we need to stay relatively balanced as individuals in order to stay focused and make a positive impact in this world. Hope these thoughts play a role in helping you get there.
Credits:
‘Adult Man Angry’ by Pexels from Pixabay
‘Cat Kitten Pets’ by Юрий Сидоренко from Pixabay
‘Girl Glasses Mop’ by klimkin from Pixabay
‘Industrial Security Logistics Work’ by Yerson Retamal from Pixabay
‘Model Man Woman’ by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay
“Roller Coaster Amusement Park Sunset” by shijingsgem from Pixabay