I owe y’all an apology. I realize this was meant to be a blog mainly about my progress in the music industry, along with tips and suggestions for the struggling artists out there. I ALSO realize what it’s become is largely one philosophical rant after another.
Which, in my arrogance, I still hope is useful to someone. Still, it’s probably not what you clicked here for.
I have been “working” (read: free collaborative work), and I have been learning. A lot. But, I don’t yet trust the knowledge; I don’t see the context it sits in, where and when it can be best applied. So I’m hesitating until some things are fleshed out a bit more. Some goodies will be coming down the pipeline soon though, promise!
In the meantime though, I thought I’d share my views on our sense of control, and why it’s not at all what we think it is.
Yeah… Good luck with that.
As the gif above so aptly shows, we often try to control things that, well.. May be more interested in checking the food dish than posing for a photo.
The spiritual gurus in the audience would say this is trying to control external situations, when we really only have control over our internal environment.
What is external? Literally everything that happens in your life. What is internal? How you feel about what happens. And when it comes to your happiness, it’s the latter that really counts.
Of course, strengthening our inner thermostat helps us be more present, make better decisions, and generally help bring about MUCH more positive outcomes with those annoying externalities. But there’s just too much randomness to expect everything will work out fine without a wrong turn or five.
It can feel like cheating (and a bit delusional) to think of shifting your perspective rather than shifting what’s actually happening. “Isn’t that just teaching us to accept living in bad situations?” you might ask.
Absolutely not – shifting your perspective shouldn’t happen in place of taking action to improve your circumstances. It’s more about not being derailed when the inevitable sh*t hits the fan.
Our brains can reproduce the feelings from a past event as though it’s happening all over again, which means that if you are raving over some client who called you a jerk, you’re basically just letting him call you a jerk all over again.
But this has a silver lining: If thinking about all the ways a situation made you angry re-creates those angry feelings, that means that you can create GOOD feelings too – if you can learn to see the good side of the bad, or at least face it with equanimity.
The Continuum of Control
If control is really about choosing to frame things differently, then we of course need to be aware at the moment something unexpected happens to avoid falling into a reflexive action. But this isn’t a rigid yes/no situation.
On one end of the spectrum, there’s little to no control at all: We’re just reacting to life. Chronic daydreamers are often in this place, as well as people needing anger management courses, or really any time we get completely caught up in a fight/flight/freeze response.
As we move away from this extreme, we still react to what’s happening, but in smaller ways, while still maintaining some awareness of what’s going on. This is where most of us live.
The ironic part is, these reactions actually represent an attempt to gain MORE control, not less. But we’re trying to gain it over external situations, and that’s just not possible.
A few examples you might not have thought of:
- Complaining about the weather.
- Shouting at a driver who cuts you off.
- Stressing about a romantic partner who hasn’t texted in days.
- Taking a Tylenol every time something hurts.
- Gossiping about someone you don’t like.
- Walking more quickly through a dark alley (assuming no one is actually stalking you).
- Fidgeting while waiting in line.
- Turning on your favourite video game.
- Checking your social media at work.
- Replaying an argument in your head, in which you say whatever you didn’t get to say at the time.
- Drinking too much to help you “loosen up” at a party.
- Trying to preserve a good feeling by fantasizing about a fun scenario.
All the actions above may seem helpful, but actually only provide the illusion of control, which helps us vent the stress that is generated from feeling out of control in the first place. It also prevents us from spotting a real problem, as I discussed last week.
Over time and with lots of practice however, we may gradually find ourselves observing those reactive tendencies within ourselves, as if from a separate vantage point. We can now choose to make different, and probably smarter choices in the long run.
THIS is what true control looks like – the ability to reframe negative experiences in ways that help us grow, and letting everything else fall away without trying to protect our fragile ego.
For me, daydreaming has always been a constant companion. I love imagining conversations where I get to dispense nuggets of wisdom (which this blog has clearly become a substitute for), or even fantasy scenarios in which I play some kind of powerful leader.
These were great in the moment, but each time I dropped back into reality and reflected on my mental adventures, there was a kind of… cheapness to it. As though the accomplishments and wisdom I imagined had not been honestly come by, just simulacrums of the real thing.
However, in the brief moments where I’ve felt particularly present, there’s a peacefulness that asserts itself, an enjoyment of little things previously overlooked. Our current life situation may not be everything we wish for, but if we learn to look at it with presence, we might see it is still well worth it.
Credits:
‘Brown Cardboard Boxes on Brown Wooden Floor’ by cottonbro from Pexels
‘Image Editing Dinosaur Time Lock’ by Lothar Dieterich from Pixabay
‘Man Hit by Boxing Glove’ by Musa Ortaç from Pexels