A couple days ago, I made a big mistake. I let my fear keep me from starting work when I got up in the morning. Instead, I engaged in a campaign of immediate self-gratification – playing video games, watching YouTube videos, and so on.
My body did not put up with it for long.
First, I was going against my personal philosophy, by choosing short-term happiness over long-term happiness. Second, I was dishonest with myself, rationalizing that it was worth it to “have a little fun now”, while knowing the longer I indulge, the harder it is to break free.
Predictably, and as these things usually go, I started to feel stressed within an hour or two. This set off a chain reaction I’m sure many are familiar with: I tried to drown myself in more entertainment, which made me feel worse, which required even more entertainment to forget about.
Years of addiction to video games have taught me how this pattern ends. Inevitably, I’m not even enjoying the game, or the video… It just hurts less than stopping and accepting I f**ked up.
By 3pm, I was throughly miserable, and felt somewhere between sewer water and a giant bag of mouse droppings. Plus, the stress produced from going against myself had left me feeling completely drained. I tried to have a nap to recover, but woke up feeling just as bad as before.
So finally, I wound up in front of my computer, doing the thing I’d been holding off doing all day – making short loops on Logic Pro. I was feeling upset, and depressed, and angry, so I channelled that into the most distorted, grungy-sounding synth I could produce.
And that’s when I started feeling better.
Like writing down my feelings, the more accurately I could make that synth play what I was feeling, the more negative energy released from my body, as though it was simply waiting to be recognized. By the end, I had a decent sounding synth – and I was actually in a good mood.
I suppose this story could be taken either as a cautionary tale about not running away from yourself, or an inspiring lesson about playing/creating the music that shares energy with what you feel. Either way, I hope so.